Intimacies:

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This film was co-written/produced/directed by Jane Scandurra, a fellow alum from Prodigy, where I worked for six years until I met my husband and followed him from New York to Austin. It’s about the growing population of single adults in this day, but I wish I had seen it back then, when I was single. It might have helped me feel more indepedent and legitimate as a single woman.

Behind closed doors in a nice South Austin neighborhood, fourteen strangers crowded into a small livingroom for a three-hour workshop on how to give a woman a sensual massage and make her feel safe and relaxed and fully surrender.

There were seven single men and two single women, including four couples, ages ranging from 27 to 77. Everyone seemed relieved to find a congenial group of normal-looking adults who were genuinely interested in learning and excited by the potential that the workshop promised.

Charla Hathaway, an erotic coach and author of the book, Erotic Massage: Sensual Touch for Deep Pleasure and Extended Arousal, welcomed everyone and explained the structure for the afternoon. There’d be an hour of introduction and discussion about sensual massage, followed by a demonstration (back, front and genital), and a wrap-up talk. She introduced herself and her model, on whom she would later demonstrate. The model was an attractive and charming young woman, totally at ease with nudity. She explained that she has been studying erotic arts in California and was very much looking forward to the massage she was about to get.

Charla put everyone at ease, elevating the energy with spiritual discussion of Tantric arts and respect for the human body. A high level of trust was established. She got everyone to share openly about what they wanted to let go of as they entered the class, what they wanted to bring into the experience and what they intended to get out of the experience. There were seven single men and two single women, including four couples, ages ranging from 27 to 77.

By the time everyone entered the massage room, circling around the table, there was so much respect in that room–between the students, to the model and teacher and for each our bodies.  There was a shared sense of privilege to be privy to a very private, intimate affair, to be welcome to simply watch and or to try a couple of techniques on the model while under the careful guidance of the coach.

Charla demonstrated used of props like feathers and fur, cornstarch (yes, from out of the pantry) and oil to soothe and relax all the muscles. She got every to breathe in rhythm with the model as she explained and the model confirmed what where the most pleasurable strokes and approaches.  As genital strokes were demonstrated on a live person, everyone asked respectful questions and the women shared their experiences and preferences. No massage was ever too slow. Breasts could never be massaged too much, but the nipples should be touched last. Asking permission before penetrating your lover’s body in any way was only decent.

While only the model got the massage, everyone present was touched and opened in new ways that would affect them for the rest of their adult lives.

–Karen Kreps is the author of Intimacies: Secrets of Live, Sex & Romance, and blogs at TrueIntimacies.com.

After a hiatus following the news that my publisher had gone out of business, I’m getting back into blogging about Intimacies. I’ll be cross posting to an exciting new online venue, AustinPost.org. Following is my intro article:

“Why, you’re the Carrie Bradshaw of Austin!” More than a few people said this when I told them that I wrote about “Intimacies.” I was clueless about the heroine of “Sex in the City,” since I didn’t watch much television. Eventually, I caught on. While I didn’t have Carrie’s stunning wardrobe or her lavish lifestyle, I did—for seven years—write a magazine column about love, sex and romance. I also hosted monthly meetings in Austin at BookPeople, where scores of singles and couples met to openly ask about and share tales of intimate experiences normally restricted to the privacy of the bedroom. I published a book, Intimacies: Secrets of Love, Sex & Romance.

So what made me a “sexpert”? As a single gal, I had been around but was not as promiscuous as Carrie’s friend Samantha. As a married woman, I had learned how to make love last. Last week, my husband and I celebrated our seventeenth wedding anniversary. I have experienced earth-moving multi-orgasms, and I knew also how to fake them. I was no different from many women, but I didn’t mind breaking a taboo or two. When it comes to sexual secrets, I have asked–and I have told.

Being the Carrie Bradshaw of Austin could be awkward. My photo was published in each issue of the magazine; I would meet strangers who thought they knew me. Did they think, “Oh, that’s her! I know a lot about her sexual interests!”

I enjoyed having a good excuse to ask anyone, “So, how’s your love life?” And I took notes on hedonistic behavior, seduction techniques, use of pornography, exhibitionism, polyamory and more.

The big turn on, however, isn’t about explicit sexual content. It’s about the more subtle interactions that occur between lovers and would-be lovers: the hide-and-seek, the courtship, caring and commitment—or the lack of it. Underlying all intimacy is communication that connects two entities as one. Connecting with another human being, intimately, is one of the great gifts of life.

Sadly, last January, my publisher suddenly went out of business. It was like losing a lover. But when one relationship ends, it opens the door for new ones. The AustinPost.com is replacing print, and blog posts from my own site, TrueIntimacies.com, will appear here. Share with me your Number One question about relationships, and I will send you a free e-book, A Dozen Choice Intimacies, and I’ll take a crack at offering an answer. In Austin, “Intimacies” thrive.

Omar L Gallaga

Omar Gallaga is the technology columnist for the Austin American-Statesman and National Public Radio. He wrote a big article about people who self publish last Easter, which featured me and my book.  Now he’s blogged about the Core Conversation I hosted with Karen Rayne at SXSW. Catch his drift on his blog at austin360.com

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Here at SXSW09 Interactive, Melisssa Giri interviewed Karen Rayne and myself about the Core Conversation  we’ll be hosting 5 pm in room 19B at the Austin Convention Center.

Here’s a bit of what I said to Melissa: “The Internet is creating a paradigm shift in traditional sex ed. It throws open the window on sexuality and intimacy, democratizing access to new levels of understanding and skill. Just a few generations ago, the ancient teachings of Tantra Yoga were secrets shared only with select initiates. Now all one have to do is Google it to learn. The Internet has spread new Sex Positive concepts and provided in-depth discussions of polyamory. We are no longer limited to only knowing what Mommy and Daddy knew and told us about the birds and the bees or books we could find and read in private. We can learn about how other people make love, broaden our experience from the safety of our homes without risk, and adapt as much as we please in our personal lives.”

Read more at Melissa’s blog.

See the links we suggest on the topic of Sex Ed Online.

What causes us to lower our eyes in shame?

by Karen Kreps

Admit it. You and I have all experienced it, and we enjoyed it—though we’re loath to tell anyone exactly what we did. We felt heat emerge from within our bodies, as a flush turned skin red and self-consciousness became acute: We wallowed in our private sense of sexual shame.

Ever since Adam and Eve got expelled from the Garden of Eden (the Hebrew word for which, by the way, means, “pleasure”), humans have been ashamed of their nakedness. Sure, we’ve been through the Sexual Revolution and now many people have declared themselves “sex positive” (a movement promoting open sexuality with few limits, in contrast to sex-negativity, which adherents identify as the dominant view of sex in Western culture). But shame—either suffered by the submissive or inflicted and enjoyed vicariously by the dominant—still permeates the sexual experience.

There’s an undercurrent, if not an emphasis, on bondage and sadomasochism (BDSM) in erotica, pornography and adult entertainment. The master-slave dynamic is acted out to stimulate our imaginations. For some, it is a turnoff. For others—such as consumers who support the ten billion dollars-a-year pornography industry—it is arousing.

Most adults won’t talk about sex. For some, it’s a matter of discretion. For many, sexual issues are seen as “dirty” and immoral, even in this age of supposed sexual enlightenment.
Why is a natural act, even non-kinky sex, a source of shame?

Children are taught to feel shame from an early age. When used properly, it is a useful self-regulating mechanism for behavior. Sadly, it often causes the shamed one to pull back, physically and emotionally, afraid of being exposed or seen as being bad.

Feelings of shame may also be the result of sex abuse or early childhood stimulation, which could not be resolved—unrequited Oedipal longings. But even in normal, age-appropriate sex play, children may be shamed and told they are bad and wrong. When parents are embarrassed by their children’s sexual behavior, they pass their misgivings about sex to their offspring. As a result, for example, we begin to feel guilty about masturbation, the most basic self-care and self-pleasuring.

We’re fooling ourselves if we think we could totally free ourselves from these feelings of shame. So many religions and customs have linked sex with guilt that few of us are entirely unaffected. Over centuries, the Judeo-Christian ethic has ingrained into our psyches the belief that sex is synonymous with sin. Churches have used shame as the guiding force to redirect young peoples’ sexual impulse. Puritanical teachings say that life is about suffering and the hedonism of pleasure is to be shunned. It’s programmed into us. Yet we enjoy intimacy and making love. So when we do things that support that, we feel a sense of shame.

Some men have a Madonna-whore complex. They want to be mated with a pure virgin, but sex without guilt doesn’t to it for them, and they lust after the shame of a prostitute.

We pride ourselves on having evolved out of the cave to a highly sophisticated social structure where sexual impulse is restrained by intellect. Our fear of being discovered spares us from doing things we would later regret.

Guilt emerges when we revert to our animal behavior. We’re ashamed about appearing selfish in our desires or about having lost control of ourselves. Orgasm becomes taboo, experienced only in private and rarely discussed. We feel inhibited by something. Could it be the fear of being visible, disarmed at the deepest levels?

Sexual shame is rampant in our culture. We objectify each other sexually, and then we feel shamed for having done so. Thinking of someone as a sex object instead of as a human is a way of depersonalizing the experience, of toning down the intensity. And we can even recognize this self-imposed limitation and feel ashamed for indulging in it. Then we eroticize shame itself. Its “forbidden” status hooks us into an addictive cycle made even stronger by shame.

Although stories of sexual shame now fill tell-it-all TV talk shows, the pages of popular magazines and the plots of soap operas, few people will ever talk about or admit to their own feelings of shame. If one or both partners are too shy, embarrassed or ashamed to talk about sex and any shame they may associate with it, they’ll miss the exploration and risk-taking required for good, lasting sex with a long-term partner.

“There are two ways to absolve ourselves of shame,” states psychologist and sexologist Joy Davidson. “One is to speak of it, share it, expose it to the light and watch it burn away. The other is to use it, to eroticize it. Fantasy allows us to utilize shame in extraordinarily creative ways. If you allow yourself this privilege, you triumph over shame.”

Tantra is an Eastern tradition that teaches us to reframe how we see sex, to celebrate it as divine, not a shame. It views sexuality as a path on by which we may be guided out of the illusion of being incomplete and separate to an understanding of our intrinsic wholeness and connection.

Before we evolve to that exalted level of consciousness, we have some issues to work out. Perhaps it’s not a shame that we experience shame, for it compels us to self-examine and to better understand what triggers our response. Do enough of that, and lovemaking is bound to be something to be—not ashamed of—but proud about.

For a full seven years, I have been writing the “Intimacies” column in The Good Life magazine and hosting the group at BookPeople on behalf of the magazine. It has been a great pleasure  to write about love, sex and romance and to exchange confidences with everyone at the discussion group.  So it is with great sadness that I must share with you the news that I received last week from my editor, Ken Martin. His email  began as follows:

“Dear Good Lifers,

The road goes on forever
And the party never ends
But The Good Life must

It is with deep regret that I must inform you that The Good Life is
going out of business.

After publishing 136 editions, we have exhausted our resources….”

This came as a complete surprise for me. Since the magazine had revised its format last year and just last month launched a wonderful new website, it was not what I expected.

The January issue is the last.

The January 21 meeting at BookPeople is still scheduled and will occur, even though The Good Life is no longer sponsoring my efforts there. (I’ll buy the wine; contributions will be welcome.) Ironically, the topic is “Love in the Recession.” My special guest, Claire Miner PhD, and I will  lead a conversation about how financial stress may affect our social lives and what we can do to nurture our relationships in spite of those problems. Claire trained at the Gottman Institute and has  done a lot of career coaching and counseled couples and singles for five years.

Meet Wednesday, January 21, 2009, 7:00pm-8:30pm on the third floor of BookPeople, 603 N. Lamar. Audience members will be encouraged to share their personal experiences. No charge, just bring your sense of humor and an open mind.

BookPeople management said that we can hold the Feb and March meetings since those are already programmed. Please watch for future announcements. To continue the meetings at BookPeople beyond March, however, the store has told me that I must find another well-established publisher for my column on line or in print.

When one door closes, another opens, and I hope that this may enable me to find a new, wider audience. I am seeking another publisher to continue my work. I’m asking for your ideas and support.  Please write to me, Karen@TrueIntimacies.com, with suggestions for another publishing venue or an introduction to anyone who might be helpful in finding a new sponsor for my Intimacies work, writing and hosting.

Last year I published a collection of my columns in the book, Intimacies: Secrets of Love, Sex & Romance. The book is illustrated with photographs of figurative sculpture by my husband and “Intimacies research assistant,” Arye Shapiro. The book can be ordered online at www.TrueIntimacies.com (where I will also continue to blog). BookPeople has the book in stock, and it may be ordered from any bookstore in the country. If you’ve been attending the meetings at BookPeople or enjoying my columns in print, please buy a copy now as a souvenir. The book makes a great, meaningful Valentine’s Day gift that will stimulate conversation about relationships and pleasure. Please consider giving copies to your friends and lovers.

There has been an outpouring of appreciation for The Good Life magazine and letters to the editor have been posted on the magazine’s website. You can add your voice by writing to editor@goodlifemag.com or by commenting with a reply on this blog.

It’s said that “Youth is wasted on the young.” The older I get, the more I tend to agree. I wrote about “Where the mysteries of sex meet the mysteries of age” for the January 09 Good Life Magazine. See my comments at:

Then, I happened upon this interesting short video about a fat woman who turned to porn for survival at age 60 and now is one of the UK’s top grossing porn stars. (Try this preceding link to view the video, since the video share feature below seems to allow a still image on my blog, but not the full video play feature.)

Ageless Sex

If it is not beauty or youth that makes us attractive, what is it?

Whether this is real or fake, it is SO funny. Everyone gets so jittery at weddings. Let’s hope this never happens to you.

We’ve got an exciting lineup planned for programs in the first quarter of 2009. The events are sponsored by The Good Life magazine and all occur on the third Weds of each month, 7 pm at BookPeople.

In January, we’ll be talking about “Love in the Recession” with my special guest, Claire Miner PhD.

In February, we’ll be talking about “Reading Erotica” with author and former lit teacher Hapax Legomenon. (CANCELED)

In March, we’ll be talking about “Playful and Spontaneous Romance” with improv coach and performer Shana Merlin. (CANCELED)

Start sending in your questions for these folks now.